We Need to Talk About Ivy

This week, I’ve been keeping an eye on plants to see what they’re really up to. Someone has to.

What I have found is that for the most part, plants are a wonderful bunch. They live in tight knit communities, help purify the air and allow themselves to be a home for many other living things. They go to work each day and set about growing, reaching, flowering and making our world habitable. Hiding among them however, are problem plants.

Have you ever thought about how much effort and energy a tree puts into growing a strong trunk that can support branches full of leaves and hold them up high where the most sunlight is? Ivy has. It deviously watches all the hard work and effort going on, then decides it will simply hitch a ride and wind itself round someone elses trunk in order to get it’s leaves nearer the sunlight. Grow a trunk? “No, I’ll just let someone else do the hard work.” Can you imagine if the entire plant kingdom did that? Nothing would ever get done.

Ivy is self-centred, and lazy. Also, many species of Ivy are poisonous or inedible meaning that it makes a special point of ensuring that it doesn’t provide nourishment for the living things around it. Atrocious behaviour! If this damning evidence isnt enough to make you run outside, uproot an Ivy plant and ask it what the hell it’s playing at; consider this next point.

Most plants are deciduous, meaning that they drop their leaves in the autumn. The purpose of this is to shed leaves which provide less energy during winter due to limited sunlight, and in return, enrich the soil with decaying organic matter which provides nutrients for all plants to grow. Does Ivy shed it’s leaves? You guessed it! It refuses to do the sensible thing that helps out all other plants and instead simply thinks about itself.

Now, you might make excuses for Ivy and tell me that it simply fell in with a bad crowd and has some habits that it will grow out of. But, there’s a bigger problem at the root of this. Having kept a close eye on things lately, I conclude that Ivy is having a bad influence on other plants. Have you seen those trees with red leaves instead of green ones? Weird, right? I know exactly who the culprit is.

It seems certain to me that these trees have been leafing through the Ivy manifesto and picking up ideas. First let’s look at why most plants choose green leaves.

When absorbing light and turning it into energy, plants only absorb the most energy efficient parts of the spectrum. This means that the colour least efficient at providing energy (green) is reflected back, which is why plants appear as they do. With that being the case, plants clearly have a consensus that they will use this method, giving us a world full of lovely soothing green colours. But, out of nowhere a tree decides to turn peculiar and absorb green, and reflect back red.

Could it be that the high concentration of green light photons have enriched the area around these trees with green light and somehow made it more efficient to absorb green? Quite possiby. On some level you have to admire the ingenuity of a fresh idea, but where does it end? When all the trees start switching light absorption to different colours and absorbing green we end up with a world that looks like the inside of a boiled sweet shop!

I’ve been troubled by that particular rainbow apocalypse of the eyeballs for some days now, and without doubt I know the pesky individual stirring it all up…..

Perhaps next week I shall keep an eye on insects, but then they are diligent critters for the most part, and I have no real cause to be suspicious of them. Arachnids however, are a different story.



What Came First?

The chicken and the egg. It really comes to your views on creationism or Darwinism. For those who believe that god created the world and everything in it, the answer to this question is simple. The chicken came first because it was created.

For those who believe in evolution, we have to consider how species are classified. Essentially, we set parameters for requirements that must be met for a creature to fall into a category. All species have slight genetic mutations within the creatures that belong to a certain species, but once a certain number of them have appeared we have to reclassify the new branch of creature.

Early in their evolutionary journey, birds were in fact reptiles. This is hinted at by the scales that still cover their feet, and the way in which they produce young (within eggs). This means that in the process of evolution through genetic mutation, there has to have been a point where this former reptile crossed a point where human beings would now classify it as a new species – the chicken.

We must draw the line at some point in the evolutionary process, and the moment we do; this new creature which is the first ever chicken by our classifications, must arrive in an egg. Therefore, for Darwinists; the egg came before the chicken.